“Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.”
When I was younger I hated running. I used to say when I wrote a book I’d include a chapter about how much I hate to run. No, really…
I had bad experiences with running from a young age. I’d always be the slowest in gym class. I played basketball and lacrosse in middle and high school and struggled with sprints and conditioning the most. For me, I think it ties back to self-esteem. Running made me feel bad about myself!
In early 2010 I started the Couch to 5k plan. It builds up your endurance to run a 5k if you aren’t a runner already. I struggled with it, a lot, but I completed it. I felt really great about myself and have run around six 5k’s since! Following that, I worked myself up to a 10k distance and have run two 10k’s! Wow, me a runner?
I ran my first 10k alone and felt really great with that accomplishment. However, when I ran my second one with a friend and she beat my time by several minutes, I felt like shit. Maybe it’s a competitive thing, but I think it’s still more of those feelings of “finishing last,” that upset me. Coaches yelling at you for being slow when you’re 15 probably plants a bad seed somewhere.
My attitude towards running improved, but I still have a lot of insecurities. I wasn’t fast by any means. A 12 minute mile was about my fastest and it made me feel crappy. Especially when I read some of favorite bloggers post about their runs at a < 9 minute mile.
Over the next year (2011) I fell off the wagon in terms of running. The 10k distances started giving me knee issues so I started doing different forms of exercise. I did a lot of spinning in 2011. It’s not cool how quickly your endurance goes away after it takes a long time to build it up! It’s kind of like how it takes forever to lose weight yet you can gain it back so quickly. Lame.
If you read my last post, you saw that for the past month I’ve been doing CrossFit and I really enjoy it. However, these pesky feelings seem to be creeping up on me again. We had two days this week with a lot of running and I’ll give you one guess on who had the slowest time in her group. *waves*. My initial reaction is still to feel sad. I believe I am in decent shape, but my legs just won’t move as fast as I’d like them to.
Yesterday, I was the last person to finish the workout which consisted of all runs, but rather than letting myself feel too sorry for my slowness, I felt proud that I was pushing myself to finish. It also helps to have people cheering you on and encouraging you. I need to focus on myself, being the best I can be, and not worrying about everyone around me. I think doing this will improve my life-long struggle with running.
I hope one day running and I can truly be friends. For now we hang out sometimes and I might talk behind her back about what a bitch she is.
How do you feel about running?